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Welcome to The More than
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Just a Doctor Podcast.
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I’m your host, Lil Surprenant MD.
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I’m a life coach for physicians,
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a practicing
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hospitalist, a wife, a mom of two boys,
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a reader, a dancer, a dolphin enthusiast,
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and all the things
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just like me.
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You’re more than just a doctor.
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And that’s what we’re
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going to talk about each week.
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Doctor stuff regular life stuff
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and all the things that make life rich
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and interesting.
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I’m so glad you’re here.
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Let’s get started.
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Hello, everyone.
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Thanks for tuning in.
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This episode
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21 of the More than Just
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the Doctor podcast.
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I'm your host Will it?
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And this week the topic is
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sometimes you got to say no to yourself.
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So this week I'm going to make the case
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for saying no to yourself sometimes.
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This is actually the companion
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episode that I've had in my head
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all along to number 19
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when I talked about sometimes
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it's worth the trouble.
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So these are actually are not
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canceling each other out.
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They're both a part
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of creating a rich life
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that suits you and you alone.
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So sometimes it's worth the trouble
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and sometimes you got to say no.
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Sometimes you have to constrain.
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And I'm here in this episode,
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I'm talking about saying no to yourself
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on things that you actually want to do,
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saying no
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to things that feel
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a little bit like missing out,
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saying no to other people and crap
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you don't want to do
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is a whole different topic.
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But I want us to learn
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both of these skills.
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The skill of taking the trouble,
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making the effort, doing
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the things that are really meaningful,
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and recognizing when we've done too much.
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We're tired, were overwhelmed.
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Cultivating both of these skills
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helps us create that rich
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balance life that we all want.
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So and I'm also going to teach you
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the process.
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This is a process.
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It's it's always ongoing.
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Like, you're never done.
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There is no recipe that
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everyone can follow,
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that the right amount of trips,
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the right amount of dinners
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out, the right amount of
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kids soccer games to schedule.
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It's always ever changing.
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That's how it's supposed to be.
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Nothing has gone wrong when it seems like
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you had your mix right for a minute
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and then the same mix that felt right now
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feels like too much.
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Nothing has gone wrong.
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It's a process.
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I would say journey,
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but I hate the word journey
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in that sort of self-help
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context,
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like your weight loss journey, your
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whatever journey.
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I totally hate that.
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So anyway, little side rant.
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So the process of going to the trouble
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making time and arrangements for things
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for the life we want
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and cutting back and constraining
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when we're tired
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is all just that a process and your mix
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in addition to changing from
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time to time.
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Your mix is different than my mix and
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looking at your friends mix,
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your partners mix.
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It's all different
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and whatever feels right
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for you and your life at the time
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is the right mix.
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So recently,
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my story
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on this and why it's been on my mind is,
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as you all know,
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if you listen to episode 19,
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starting this spring, I really did
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go to the Trouble
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and I made a bunch of arrangements
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and I did
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had a big trick trip in the spring,
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which was really fantastic.
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Totally worthwhile,
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totally worth the trouble.
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I had a good bit of stuff
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set up the summer,
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a lot of fun stuff,
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a lot of fun stuff for the kids,
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but it all took a lot of arranging,
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a lot of complex childcare pickups
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and a lot of supervision to make sure
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this summer machine was going.
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And I'll admit I probably didn't
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plan enough of the childcare
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nailed down ahead of time
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and that Probably also made
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it feel more stressful.
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And so next year I'll do a better job.
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But having a great summer,
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doing all the things,
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making it happen, worth
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worth the trouble.
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And then we had some family stuff
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come on top of the already
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pretty full schedule.
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And so instead of
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cutting things at the time, I'm like,
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I got this, it's fine.
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I'm a plow on
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with all the things that are rolling
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and have the extra sort
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of medical family stuff going on.
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And I've got it.
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I'll handle it.
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I get rolling along and juggling
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all the balls
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until basically I was feeling
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pretty stressed and tired.
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And even though I'd done it,
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had a bunch of fun stuff,
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a lot of like rewarding stuff.
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Do you know what I mean?
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When everything
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when you get to the point
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where everything sounds hard
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or everything sounds like a big deal.
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That's kind of where I was.
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So the answer for that feeling
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is sometimes
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you got to cut some shit out.
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Even shit you really want to do.
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I'm not talking again about saying no
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to things that you don't want to do
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in the first place.
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You're saying no to extra shifts,
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to work, to request of things
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you don't want to do.
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I'm talking about the much more difficult
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decision to say no
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to yourself
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for things that you actually do
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want to do.
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But saying
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yes to one thing is always saying
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no to something else.
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Saying no to one thing is saying
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yes to something else.
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And in this case, the no is
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fun things that I want to do,
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want to get
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the space rest and quiet that I need
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hot minute to recover.
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So for me,
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this looks like saying no to myself
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on several trips
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this fall the first of which was
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probably my favorite trip last year.
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Our coaching school has a big mastermind.
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It's last year.
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It was so much fun.
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I got to see all the people,
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ton of physician coaches,
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non-physician coaches, lots of connection
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parties.
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We learned a lot actually
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at the conference, met some new friends.
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It was great.
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This year I really didn't
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flicker entertain going
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because lucky for me
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they waited a long time to announce it
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and so by the time they announced
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it, it's actually tomorrow.
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I had already been getting that feeling
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like I was tired and sort of overwhelmed.
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And the logistics of travel
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and during the school year
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were by that point like
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more than I wanted to do.
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So it really was not a hard decision
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this year to say no to mastermind.
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And I honestly haven't
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really even been thinking about it
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until I will confess
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the last couple of days.
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I have had a little bit of FOMO
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because some of my friends
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spread across
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the country have been posting
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that they're going,
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and I will admit that I wish I do.
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I love to catch up with people,
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but that's okay.
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I'm still very satisfied with the reason
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I said no.
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I'm glad not to be packing up suitcase,
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figuring out
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sitters and pick ups and all that.
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And so even though
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I have a little bit of FOMO,
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I come back
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to the whole reason that I said no is
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I wanted some space and some rest.
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And so I can remind myself of that.
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And that's part of the process
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that I'll outline for you in a moment.
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I'm also seen as something
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this is harder.
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A harder No.
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So the first one is not too hard
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really at all.
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By the time it came around,
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I was like, Yeah, yeah.
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The second one was actually a retreat
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that I really did want to go to
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and had said yes initially.
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But as it got closer,
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I was able to,
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I was looking at the schedule
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and the same thing
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like the logistics on the back
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end of getting home
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were really difficult.
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I would have to rearrange some work
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and it just felt like too much.
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So I made a decision, canceled the trip
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so harder, but still the right call.
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And so how do you know
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when you just need to just say no?
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Here are the steps that I use
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and I want to offer for you.
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So the first step,
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and I think this is the most important
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and this step will serve you
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not just in this process,
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but in many, many decisions.
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The first step is to tune in
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and listen to yourself
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when you're feeling stressed
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and everything feels like a big deal,
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you're overwhelmed, you're tired.
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Here is where I want you to tune in and
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not discount those feelings.
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Now, sometimes you know
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you're going to feel better
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if you just work a night shift
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or a string of night
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shifts for me, like the whole world
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looks different.
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I don't.
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I, I would try not to make
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any big decisions
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then, but like,
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here's the skill
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of listening into yourself and knowing,
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like when you're stressed
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and you need a break, you need to listen
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and not tell yourself
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that you have to keep going.
00:10:09:11 - 00:10:11:22
It's learning to trust yourself.
00:10:11:22 - 00:10:12:21
So that's the first step
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and that's really the most important
00:10:14:15 - 00:10:16:12
because that really
00:10:16:12 - 00:10:19:09
goes on to everything in your life.
00:10:19:09 - 00:10:21:09
Then here's a practical step.
00:10:21:09 - 00:10:22:17
You take a look
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at your upcoming plans on the calendar,
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also your to do list,
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which sometimes isn't on the calendar.
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And then also take a look
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mentally at your imaginary plans.
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And what I mean by imaginary plans
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are sort of the half baked,
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not quite formed,
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like I should be doing this,
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I could do this.
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I want to do this like this fall.
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I don't think it's just me,
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but I often have a lot of sort of
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imaginary plans.
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I have more things
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I want to do
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than could possibly fit
00:10:58:21 - 00:11:00:24
in the time allotted.
00:11:00:24 - 00:11:03:21
And so looking at those things,
00:11:03:21 - 00:11:04:17
all those things,
00:11:04:17 - 00:11:05:21
the actual plans,
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the to do list
00:11:06:17 - 00:11:08:05
and then sort of those vague
00:11:08:05 - 00:11:09:20
imaginary plans
00:11:09:20 - 00:11:11:08
that are actually taking
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some bandwidth away
00:11:14:18 - 00:11:17:01
and think about like,
00:11:17:01 - 00:11:17:20
is this really want
00:11:17:20 - 00:11:20:04
I want to do when I'm feeling
00:11:20:15 - 00:11:22:15
overwhelmed and stressed and tired,
00:11:22:15 - 00:11:24:09
how am I going to feel
00:11:24:09 - 00:11:25:16
when the thing comes
00:11:25:16 - 00:11:26:19
and I'm packing
00:11:26:19 - 00:11:28:11
and I'm doing the logistics
00:11:28:23 - 00:11:29:19
when it comes up?
00:11:29:19 - 00:11:31:14
Am I going to want to go?
00:11:31:14 - 00:11:34:06
How am I going to feel Monday morning
00:11:34:06 - 00:11:35:11
when I go back to work?
00:11:35:11 - 00:11:36:12
And I just got back
00:11:36:12 - 00:11:38:17
from a flight on Sunday night
00:11:38:17 - 00:11:40:02
and now I'm sort of pressed
00:11:40:02 - 00:11:41:22
and behind on
00:11:41:22 - 00:11:43:02
groceries for the week,
00:11:43:02 - 00:11:44:15
laundry for the week or whatever,
00:11:44:15 - 00:11:46:01
how your week goes.
00:11:46:01 - 00:11:46:05
Like,
00:11:46:05 - 00:11:47:17
I want you to really look at the plans
00:11:47:17 - 00:11:48:09
and imagine like,
00:11:48:09 - 00:11:50:19
how is this going to feel?
00:11:50:19 - 00:11:53:03
Am I going to feel rushed?
00:11:53:03 - 00:11:54:15
Sometimes it's worth it.
00:11:54:15 - 00:11:55:21
Back to episode 19
00:11:55:21 - 00:11:57:08
and sometimes it's not.
00:11:57:08 - 00:11:59:03
And so you just have to ask yourself,
00:11:59:03 - 00:12:00:21
looking at the actual plans, like,
00:12:00:21 - 00:12:03:08
is this what I want to do in this
00:12:03:08 - 00:12:07:00
season, in this time frame?
00:12:07:02 - 00:12:08:02
And so now it's time
00:12:08:02 - 00:12:10:07
to cut some shit out.
00:12:10:07 - 00:12:11:07
And here is where
00:12:11:07 - 00:12:14:17
I really want to urge you to just decide.
00:12:14:19 - 00:12:15:21
Look at it.
00:12:15:21 - 00:12:17:15
Decide if you're going to cut it,
00:12:17:15 - 00:12:18:21
if you're going to cut it
00:12:18:21 - 00:12:21:16
and don't ruminate about it endlessly.
00:12:21:16 - 00:12:23:04
That endless ruminations
00:12:23:04 - 00:12:25:05
should I, shouldn't I? Maybe I should.
00:12:25:05 - 00:12:29:04
That hole in decision feels terrible,
00:12:29:06 - 00:12:31:17
sucks a lot of energy.
00:12:31:17 - 00:12:35:16
So I want to urge you to just decide
00:12:35:18 - 00:12:37:02
and then take action.
00:12:37:02 - 00:12:38:12
Cancel the flight, send
00:12:38:12 - 00:12:39:03
the email,
00:12:39:03 - 00:12:40:02
make the phone call,
00:12:40:02 - 00:12:43:02
whatever it is that do the thing,
00:12:43:03 - 00:12:44:15
cut bait and run.
00:12:44:24 - 00:12:45:23
And then lastly,
00:12:45:23 - 00:12:47:07
so now you've decided
00:12:47:07 - 00:12:48:20
you've cut some stuff out
00:12:48:20 - 00:12:51:09
that you want to cut you want because
00:12:51:13 - 00:12:53:10
twinges of FOMO are likely
00:12:53:10 - 00:12:54:09
to come up
00:12:54:09 - 00:12:55:12
to varying degrees,
00:12:55:12 - 00:12:56:22
just like I'm describing above.
00:12:56:22 - 00:12:58:24
Some stuff a little tiny bit,
00:12:58:24 - 00:13:00:17
some step more.
00:13:01:01 - 00:13:02:09
But when it comes up, you
00:13:02:09 - 00:13:03:14
remind yourself
00:13:03:14 - 00:13:05:03
one, that you made this choice
00:13:05:03 - 00:13:06:04
on purpose.
00:13:06:04 - 00:13:10:05
Like this didn't happen to you.
00:13:10:07 - 00:13:11:06
You didn't.
00:13:11:06 - 00:13:12:06
I think a lot of times
00:13:12:06 - 00:13:13:10
what we tell ourselves,
00:13:13:10 - 00:13:15:17
like, oh, I can't go
00:13:16:10 - 00:13:18:16
with that is of course not true.
00:13:18:16 - 00:13:20:02
We could have gone.
00:13:20:02 - 00:13:22:17
We could have made other choices.
00:13:22:17 - 00:13:25:01
But changing that too, we chose it.
00:13:25:01 - 00:13:26:05
And we like the reasons
00:13:26:05 - 00:13:27:24
we're choosing rest.
00:13:27:24 - 00:13:31:07
We're choosing space in the schedule.
00:13:31:09 - 00:13:34:09
We're choosing to stay home with the cat
00:13:34:12 - 00:13:36:07
or the kids or a book,
00:13:36:07 - 00:13:38:10
or even we're staying home to work
00:13:38:10 - 00:13:39:13
because that works
00:13:39:13 - 00:13:41:08
better for a bank account.
00:13:41:08 - 00:13:42:07
Like I didn't even talk
00:13:42:07 - 00:13:43:10
about the bank account above.
00:13:43:10 - 00:13:44:11
But that's another thing.
00:13:44:11 - 00:13:45:13
Sometimes your bank account
00:13:45:13 - 00:13:46:23
is feeling stressed
00:13:47:07 - 00:13:50:01
and it's okay to make decisions,
00:13:50:01 - 00:13:51:01
not to do some stuff
00:13:51:01 - 00:13:52:12
you want sometimes
00:13:52:12 - 00:13:53:22
to give yourself some space,
00:13:53:22 - 00:13:54:21
whether it's
00:13:54:21 - 00:13:57:11
space, space and time and rest or space
00:13:57:11 - 00:13:59:20
in the bank account.
00:13:59:22 - 00:14:01:00
So that's the last step,
00:14:01:00 - 00:14:02:05
that's that reminding.
00:14:02:05 - 00:14:02:24
That's like
00:14:02:24 - 00:14:03:17
over and over
00:14:03:17 - 00:14:06:12
you step into the choice of it
00:14:06:12 - 00:14:08:04
and then you practice this.
00:14:08:04 - 00:14:09:14
Like I said, this is a process.
00:14:09:14 - 00:14:11:07
So
00:14:11:07 - 00:14:12:23
you're going to get it right sometimes.
00:14:12:23 - 00:14:14:21
Sometimes you're going to wish you
00:14:14:21 - 00:14:16:17
maybe had gone to the trouble,
00:14:16:17 - 00:14:17:22
but the more you do it
00:14:17:22 - 00:14:22:00
and you do it on purpose, you do both the
00:14:22:02 - 00:14:24:00
make it, making the trouble for things
00:14:24:00 - 00:14:25:04
you really want to do.
00:14:25:04 - 00:14:26:00
And the same.
00:14:26:00 - 00:14:27:16
No, when you're feeling like it's
00:14:27:16 - 00:14:28:12
too much,
00:14:28:12 - 00:14:30:11
you get better and better at it.
00:14:30:11 - 00:14:33:21
And what you're creating here is a life
00:14:33:21 - 00:14:36:21
you love, a mix that's right for you.
00:14:37:01 - 00:14:40:01
So you get fun, adventure travel
00:14:40:07 - 00:14:41:03
or whatever
00:14:41:03 - 00:14:41:15
it is,
00:14:41:15 - 00:14:43:18
the things that may make your life
00:14:43:18 - 00:14:45:10
rich and interesting
00:14:45:10 - 00:14:48:10
and you get rest and peace
00:14:48:10 - 00:14:50:08
and recovering.
00:14:50:10 - 00:14:53:03
And remember, it's always changing.
00:14:53:03 - 00:14:55:04
There is no set recipe.
00:14:55:04 - 00:14:58:03
So your mix for this month is different
00:14:58:03 - 00:15:00:03
from your mix in the spring,
00:15:00:03 - 00:15:02:06
and it's different from my mix.
00:15:02:06 - 00:15:03:23
All right, go forth.
00:15:03:23 - 00:15:06:09
My people this week cut some shit out.
00:15:06:09 - 00:15:07:18
I would love to hear from you
00:15:07:18 - 00:15:08:12
if you
00:15:08:12 - 00:15:09:09
cut something out
00:15:09:09 - 00:15:10:18
and now you feel good about it,
00:15:10:18 - 00:15:14:09
brought you a little peace I will see you soon.
00:15:14:22 - 00:15:17:04
Thanks so much for joining me today.
00:15:17:04 - 00:15:18:22
If you like this episode,
00:15:18:22 - 00:15:20:00
you're going to love
00:15:20:00 - 00:15:22:02
working with me directly.
00:15:22:02 - 00:15:23:02
Sign up for email
00:15:23:02 - 00:15:25:18
updates for me in the show notes.
00:15:25:18 - 00:15:28:00
I'll send you a fun email every week
00:15:28:00 - 00:15:29:14
called Friday Favorites.
00:15:29:14 - 00:15:32:20
Everyone loves it or if you're ready
00:15:32:20 - 00:15:33:13
to get started
00:15:33:13 - 00:15:36:13
creating your Rich and Interesting life
00:15:36:16 - 00:15:37:22
book a free consultation
00:15:37:22 - 00:15:39:22
with me to explore working together
00:15:39:22 - 00:15:41:04
one on one.
00:15:41:04 - 00:15:43:09
I can't wait to meet you.
00:15:43:09 - 00:15:44:11
You'll find these links
00:15:44:11 - 00:15:46:24
and other resources in the show notes.
00:15:46:24 - 00:15:47:21
See you next week.
